The Band

Your image as a band says you are visionary or progressive or edgy, or that you're trying really hard not to care about the way you dress! A fashion faux-pas could signal the end of a promising career . . . heed the wisdom of The Rock Bible:

'If you're a man, wearing make-up increases proportionately to your inability to play a musical instrument.'

'Women should dress like color-blind prostitutes. Men should look like hot women.'

'Unless you're sitting on a horse, lose the cowboy hat.'

Art direction by Bryn Ashburn for Quirk.

The Book of Revelation

Gazing into the abyss, the prophet foretells a time when many-headed wild beasts roam the wasteland of rock devouring all that remains: The Buddyheaded Pitchforkagon, Lord iTunia & His iPods, YouTuberius, SXCMJ3000 ... but alas, his words of wisdom fall on deaf ears:

'The great rock prophet ... saw maddening disinterest in his plight to save the world of rock from utter folly. Neither the meat-headed banger nor the methodical noodler saw fit to heed the admissions of those gone before them and many a false prophet and warner-monger did usher in the very end of rock.'

Art direction by Bryn Ashburn for Quirk.

The Fan

No matter how talented the band, how soulful the delivery or how poetic the songwriting, it'd be nothing without a devoted flock of undiscriminating diehard fans. Here's a few guidelines for faithful followers from The Rock Bible:

'Showing up at a show three hours early to get a primo space in front of the stage is reaffirming to all those around you that you don't have a life.'

'No waiting to get an autograph for more than half an hour (although even that seems a bit too long). The band is either getting high or already back at the hotel.'

'If you ask a crew member for a set list, it's best to listen to the first answer you get. Any subsequent requests will be met with an increasing insult and chance of removal from the venue.'

Art direction by Bryn Ashburn for Quirk.

The Keyboardist

If you're a talentless nobody playing keyboards for a lousy band, The Rock Bible is your manual! Before you fill up the airwaves with self-indulgent synth noodling, here are the rules:

'No keyboards without full-sized keys. Smaller keys are only for Christmas morning, when your parents think a mini keyboard will be your gateway to becoming an accomplished musician.'

'There's only one person who will look more ridiculous and offensive in leather pants than the lead singer: the keyboard player.'

'If you play the keyboard with one hand and the tambourine with the other, you are neither a keyboardist nor a tambourine player.'

Art direction by Bryn Ashburn for Quirk.

The Singer

Henry Owings is touring bookstores during October and November, explaining how The Rock Bible was conceived / created / written, as well as delving into his own history and work with Chunklet. Head along to one of these venues for intimate discussion, Q&A and signing:

10.25.08 - Quimby's, Chicago, IL 7pm
10.26.08 - Shake it Records, Cincinnati, OH @ 3pm
10.27.08 - Subterranean Books, St. Louis, MO @ 7pm
11.07.08 - Atomic Books, Baltimore, MD @ 7pm
11.09.08 - AKA Music, Philadelphia, PA @ 3pm
11.14.08 - Third Place Books, Lake Forest Park, WA @ 6:30pm
11.16.08 - Sonic Boom, Seattle, WA @ 3pm
11.17.08 - Powell's, Portland, OR @ 7:30pm

Art direction by Bryn Ashburn for Quirk.

The Guitar and Bass Players

Whence cometh The Rock Bible? What's with the faux-Biblical thing anyway? Polyphonic Spree drummer Brian Teasley explains . . .

'As I peruse the aisles of planet corporate bookstore, I realise something: every two bit hobby has a Bible . . . except for rock and roll. Until now! Now there is a new demographic disease spreading like salmonella in a bowl of frat boy barf. That's right dear reader . . . The group I refer to is you and your lousy band. It's time we punished you all for your sins and sent you on the way of the enlightened'

Art direction by Bryn Ashburn for Quirk.

The Drummer

Grammy Award winner Henry Owings is publisher of Chunklet magazine, a no-holds-barred chronicle of the music industry. Variously a DJ, promoter, record producer and booking agent, Owings has toured with rock bands for nearly a decade. No surprise, then, that The Rock Bible is packed with closely observed cliché-busting wit and wisdom for the celestial life of rock 'n' roll . . .

'If you get a drumstick endorsement, don't take one of those lame promo photos acting like you're breaking the sticks in half.'

'All drummers wearing headsets should be required to take a food order.'

'No drum gloves. if you can't hold on to drumsticks, you may want to rethink the "playing" part of playing drums.'

Art direction by Bryn Ashburn for Quirk.

Genesis

'In the beginning Thomas Edison invented the phonograph, which begat the publishing of "Memphis Blues" by Hart Wand in 1912 (often credited as the first blues title), which begat W.C. Handy writing "St Louis Blues" (often credited as the first real blues song) in 1914, which begat . . .'

Thus opens The Rock Bible, an epic window through which Henry Owings offers a tantalising glimpse of the authentic rock ’n’ roll life. Like Moses delivering the Ten Commandments, he lays down rules for musicians, wannabe musicians, and rock fans of all ages.

Art direction by Bryn Ashburn for Quirk.